Responding not reacting
In the last session, we used anchors to bring some stability and calm when we are feeling stressed. To help us notice what was present and to create space for it, rather than push it away. Coming into the body, our breath, or our experience of sound, is an instantly accessible way to do this.
Today we will discuss how to respond more supportively in those situations, rather than be pulled by the powerful currents in our reactive mode, our Fight-Flight-Freeze stress response. Now that we paused to ‘Watch’ [pay attention] in Step 1, then used one of our ‘Anchors’ [sensations/breath/sounds] in Step 2, we can apply our awareness and attitudes in Step 3 to respond more self-supportively.
But first, those reactions, what is really going on?
On red alert: Fight-Flight-Freeze
We’ve all been there - we get excited, we hear some great news, our team has scored a goal - adrenaline coursing through the body and bloodstream - tensed muscles, quickened heart rate and breathing, and a feeling like time has stopped. It is normally a short-lived high and we return to earth.
This also happens during our Fight-Flight-Freeze (our Stress Response) when we feel threatened, or in danger.
Our brain and body prepares for the worst, releasing a cascade of stress hormones. We can run faster, fight harder or completely freeze to protect ourselves. Extra oxygen is sent to the brain, to increase alertness and our sight and hearing becomes sharper. Adrenaline flooding our system also triggers the release of glucose and fats from temporary storage, supplying energy to all parts of the body. We are literally pumped and primed to react quickly, or fight if necessary.
Meanwhile, all non essential functions for ‘rest and digest’ are shut down. No time for digestion or building immunity and certainly no small talk or complex decision making. This is incredibly helpful when we, or our loved ones, are genuinely threatened or in danger. We have the capacity to react instinctively, to avoid the threat or imminent danger. We remain safe and live to see another day. We can return to a more balanced state*
But there is a cost. And we are easily triggered.
*Our Autonomic nervous system [ANS] operates without our conscious effort, regulating everything from our blood pressure, heart rate and breathing, to digestion, urination and arousal. The two primary branches of our autonomic nervous system work together to keep us in balance: “Parasympathetic Nervous System” [PNS], responsible for Rest and digest AND our Sympathetic Nervous System [SNS] which takes care of Fight-Flight-Freeze. They are a bit like the Gas and the Brakes of a car. We need Gas [sympathetic response] to get us moving quickly and we need Brakes [parasympathetic response] to slow us down and process.
Living on the edge
Our fight-flight-freeze response is easily triggered - it doesn’t take a life-threatening situation or imminent danger to trigger our stress response. That comment or look from a loved one, blunt tone in an email or slack message, that spilled coffee or a mess in the living room, the driver who cut you up at the lights, or even those notifications on your phone, can all do it too. And in digitally overloaded lives, the opportunities are endless and relentless in their frequency.
If we are unable to respond to these triggers in a supportive way and we live in a constant [chronic] state of low level stress arousal or anxiety, it can be a bit like an engine that has been left idling too high for too long, i.e., using up valuable fuel and potentially internal and external damage. Constant adrenaline surges and elevated stress levels, increase our blood pressure too and increase the risk of heart attacks. Too much stress hormones [like cortisol] increase appetite and inadvertently fat storage, since we are unable to make use of the unused nutrients.
So how can we reduce this reactivity?
Step 3: VIEW
In a stressful situation, now that we have paused to WATCH [step 1] and used an ANCHOR [step 2] to calm the nervous system and cool down our ‘red alert’, we can then VIEW [step 3] how we are meeting the experience and respond self-supportively. We might ask ourselves - how am I responding to the situation? What is my attitude towards my experience? Is my attitude to this…
Resistant or accepting?
Intolerant or understanding?
Judgemental or non-judgemental?
Self-critical or self-compassionate?
Because this is a state of heightened reactivity, we can easily add to our symptoms when we are stressed: we get worried about worrying, feel frustrated because we can’t concentrate, or overthink because we can’t still our busy minds. But when we bring awareness and direct supportive ‘attitudes’ towards those stressful experiences, the thoughts, feelings and emotions have less of a negative impact and can often find some release.
How would this work in in real life?
Imagine you looming deadline or there is an important conversation you need to have. And because of this you are experiencing ‘thinking in overdrive’. You might be saying to yourself:
“I have so much on my mind, so many things I need to think about..I really need to clear my head!”
However, the very need to ‘clear your head’ adds more thoughts and more pressure…and then more stress piles into the mix. Thinking in overdrive becomes overwhelm.
Scenario 1: Thinking in overdrive
So, putting the 3 steps into action - you pause to WATCH over your experience and then ANCHOR to ground yourself. The rushing thoughts are bound to surface regardless.
But instead of resisting them or rejecting them, you can change how you VIEW those thoughts. You can acknowledge their presence and show acceptance and understanding towards your experience, by reminding yourself that this is what my mind does! It thinks. I am not the only one. Everyone has a thinking mind. Everyone worries, frets or overthinks. I can allow my thoughts to be here for a moment and then, let them go.
By accepting and understanding in this way, you remove the urge to reject, to worry about, or blame yourself for having an overthinking mind. You relieve the tension and reduce stress reactivity.
Scenario 2: Physical stress and discomfort
In a situation, where the stress symptoms are mostly physical - for example if you were experiencing tightness in the chest, palpitations, butterflies in your stomach, or restlessness in your hands and legs - as before, you would WATCH and ANCHOR, then VIEW how you are meeting the experience. You might notice you are feeling frustrated with your inability to relax, to calm your breath, or release tension in your body. This frustration only adds to the restlessness!
But when you bring understanding and non-judgemental attitude to this experience, recognising that this is your body’s natural response to a busy day, a difficult task or a stressful event, you create some space for the difficulty. We don’t have to like it. But at the same time, we don’t have to get caught up in the cycle of frustration, or judging ourselves for our inability to handle difficult moments, better.
When we are self-compassionate in these moments, the kindness and understanding creates space for the difficult physical experiences. We allow them, to be there. This works in harmony with the anchor we are using. Each time, creating a little more space.
So now that we have watched over our experience and grounded ourselves with an anchor, then viewed our experience with understanding, kindness and without judgement; we have created some space to emerge with greater calm, understanding and perspective. We will cover this next time in Step 4…
